Letting Go Without Losing Them: A New Parenting Mindset

Parenting today feels like walking a tightrope. Too much control, and they rebel. Too much freedom, and they flounder. Where do we draw the line? Lately, I’ve been struggling with my pre-teen son. Every day feels like a battle—pushing him to stick to his schedule, reminding him to finish tasks, negotiating screen time limits. It’s exhausting. I don’t remember my parents ever having to do this with me.

              

Growing up as a millennial, discipline wasn’t a choice. It was a way of life. Waking up early, even on weekends. Keeping our things in order. Following routines like clockwork. Rules defined everything we did. And honestly? I never questioned it. Structure made life easier.

But the kids we’re raising today—these Alpha kids—are different. They crave choices, freedom, and flexibility. And even when I offer choices within boundaries, it’s never enough. They always push for more. It terrifies me.

The other day, my son was just lazing around, not getting ready for school. A part of me wanted to lay down the law like my parents would have—No more screen time, period! But another part of me knew that wasn’t the answer. He wasn’t just being defiant; he was learning to advocate for himself, testing the boundaries of independence.And I get it. I see my son pushing boundaries, and I realise—I did the same thing.

I remember one particular incident from high school. It was my study break, and I was home alone with my books. Bored out of my mind, I’d sneak in some TV whenever my parents weren’t home. My mom was paranoid about our TV habits, so we had strict rules on what we could watch. One day, my dad caught me. Instead of yelling, he came up with a clever solution—he modified the cable outside the house so he could disconnect it before leaving for work and reconnect it when he got home.Smart move, right? Well, I figured it out pretty quickly. And I started reconnecting it myself whenever I wanted to watch TV.

Looking back, I realize something: control only works until kids figure out how to take it back. And in today’s world—where they have access to so much more—maybe control isn’t the answer at all.That’s the hardest part of modern parenting. Our parents controlled our lives. They set the rules, and we followed them. But we? We have to learn the art of letting go—allowing our kids to test limits, make mistakes, and have a say in their own lives.

The other day, my son refused to start his homework on time. My instinct was to force him to sit down and do it. But instead, I tried something different. I let him choose—“Do you want to start now or in 30 minutes?” He grumbled but picked the later time. And you know what? He got it done without a fight. That moment made me realize—letting go doesn’t mean giving up; it means shifting from control to trust.

Some days, I wonder—am I being too lenient? Too controlling? Am I failing him by not enforcing more rules? Or am I failing him by not letting go enough?

But here’s what I’m slowly realizing: our kids don’t need us to control them; they need us to be their safe place. When they push back, test limits, or even break rules, they aren’t just challenging us—they’re learning how to navigate the world. And when they stumble, they need to know they can come back to us, not as the enforcers of punishment, but as their mentors, their guides—the ones who will help them make sense of it all.

This new way of parenting—where control is no longer about obedience but about guidance—is uncomfortable. It’s messy. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe the goal isn’t just to raise obedient kids, but to raise thoughtful, self-aware individuals. And maybe, just maybe, that means giving up some control—not because we’re failing, but because we’re evolving as parents.

So, the next time your child pushes back, take a deep breath. Maybe the answer isn’t more control, but more trust. And to my fellow parents walking this same path—you are not alone. We are in this together, learning, adapting, and doing our best. And that? That’s enough.

Until next time, with more scribbles 

Nancy Kavin.