Breaking generational chains for a better tomorrow - Part 2

Dearest gentle readers,

Ha! Don’t I sound like Lady Whistledown from Bridgerton? Well, well- I may not be half the writer she is (yet), but who knows? Someday, I just might get there. Now, let’s get down to business.This post is a follow-up to my recent one on breaking generational chains. So many of you reached out with heartfelt messages and questions, and I felt compelled to continue the conversation.

Before we dive in, I want to make something clear: I’m not a therapist, nor am I professionally trained to say any of this. What I share here comes purely from my own lived experience, late-night reflections, and the bits of research that have helped me walk this path. I write as someone who is still learning, still stumbling, and still choosing- every single day,to be a chain breaker.

Your responses moved me.Some were raw, others reflective, and many echoed the silent struggles we carry through generations.In this post, I want to revisit a few themes from my earlier piece, especially the ones that stirred something in you. I’ll try to answer some of your questions, share more of what I’ve been learning (and unlearning), and perhaps leave you with a few gentle reminders as you navigate your own healing.



So as I shared in my last post, our childhood experiences shape our behaviors as adults, affecting our relationships, our sense of self-worth, and honestly, our whole life. But does that mean we get to say, “Oh well, I act this way because of my childhood trauma, so let me just continue behaving like crap”?

Absolutely not.

Let me clarify. Self-awareness is the first step to healing. Understanding how and why you react the way you do is crucial. But that awareness doesn’t give you a free pass to justify harmful behavior. It’s not an excuse. It’s a mirror.

                                  

And here’s another important thing:
Is it okay to sit around blaming our parents forever for the pain they caused, while we do nothing to heal and move forward?
Nope.
That’s not healing. That’s stagnation

We need to understand something crucial. Our parents did the best they could with whatever they had. Most of them were just trying to survive. They may not have had the tools, the awareness, or the emotional support they needed. And chances are, they were carrying their own childhood wounds. Some of which they’re still struggling with.

This doesn’t mean we dismiss the hurt they caused. But holding onto resentment forever only keeps us stuck. It’s time we release that grip. Not for their sake, but for ours. Because when we let go of blame, we create space for healing. We stop pointing fingers outward and start looking inward, at the work we need to do, the patterns we want to break, the new legacy we want to leave behind.


Here’s a map that’s working for me right now in my healing process:

1. Self-awareness and recognizing patterns of behavior - and drop the victim mode: 
Begin to notice the loops. The reactions. The places you keep finding yourself stuck. You can honor your hurt without living inside it forever. You’re allowed to step out of the story that keeps repeating

2. Curious compassion:
Ask yourself: “I wonder why I behave that way?”
Not to blame. Just to understand—with softness.

3. Self-care:
And not the pretty, Instagram kind. Real self-care looks like rest, boundaries, breathing space, forgiving yourself. For me, it also looks like curling up with a good book or pouring my thoughts onto a page. Reading and writing have become part of how I care for myself, how I reconnect with who I am.

4. Feel the emotions and process them:
Emotions are like waves. You don’t have to fight them, but you learn to ride them. When the tide is high say, you're so angry at your kid you’re tempted to yell or spank just pause.
Step away. Do nothing but stay still. Let the emotion rise and fall. It will pass.

And if you’re wondering…You might ask me,.Nancy, you follow all this… are you completely healed? Have you completely changed? 

Well, here’s the truth: it’s a journey. I wake up every day and try to be intentional in everything I do. And yes. Sometimes I fail. But I’ve learned to pick up my broken pieces and show up again the next day. That, to me, is healing. 

And for the record? I have shown consistent improvement.I’ve learned to have difficult conversations.I’ve learned to let go- of people, of past hurts, of things I can’t control And I’m no longer the crazy perfectionist I used to be. So no, I’m not “done.” But I’m definitely not who I used to be either. And that counts for something.

We’re all just walking each other home. Maybe tonight, ask yourself: what’s one pattern I’m ready to release?

And if you’ve read this far, I hope you know, I’m cheering for you.

Powered by chaya, books and breakthroughs, 

Love

Nancy Kavin

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